Monkey Brains

(A story told by a friend)


So, I was working for a Chinese company a while back, and yes, all that you have heard about Chinese companies are true. This company, for example, deducted the minutes you overspent at lunch from your vacation time – and we are talking about salaried employees who came back from lunch five minutes late! While other small companies would distribute turkeys to their employees around Thanksgiving holiday, we had never seen one in our company. The closest thing to a turkey you’d see was probably the owner.

You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that the sales manager changed the commission structure to make it harder for anyone to make any decent money either. But that would be a different story.

That’s why we were very excited when the owner announced that we would have a New Year’s company dinner at this renowned restaurant one year. “The company must be doing very well!” We discussed among ourselves. A little something at the back of our heads was nagging, “I wonder what the catch would be…” I was sure we would never hear the end of this meal under all sorts of unpleasant situations, but for now, we were going to have a great meal with our fellow abusees. The catch could wait.

The restaurant was decorated colorfully and exotically. It was a Chinese restaurant, of course. We were told by the owner that they had the best Chinese food in the Bay Area, and he was right for once. Everything was delicious. I couldn’t recognize a lot of them, and could name none. But I didn’t mind – these were the dishes you normally wouldn’t order simply because you had never heard of, nor had any idea what they were. We are talking about banquet dishes, not your chop suey nonsense. We were so grateful, and so full. Everyone went home for the weekend very happy and very satisfied.

The meal was such a high point in our employment that we were still talking about it after the weekend. I asked a coworker what the name of a delicious dish I had was. It was a rectangular piece of something soft and white, wrapped with a thin piece of seaweed, then lightly fried to a crispy outer layer, but soft inside. I had several of them because it had great texture and taste.

"Oh that! Wasn’t it delicious?” She said.
"Yes. I loved it. What was it?” I asked.
"It was very rare, very hard to come by, and very expensive. It was mainly for rich people.” She said.
"Really? Wow, I can’t believe he would spend that kind of money on us.” I was flattered by this prelude. Imagine: we had been treated with luxury by Uncle Scrooge!

"You know what’s inside?” She taunted me with suspense.
"No. Tell me!” My curiosity was killing me.
"It’s monkey brains!” She declared with pleasure.

I covered my mouth and ran outside, trying hard not to hurl on the carpet in the process. While nothing really came out (it had been two days, after all) I did think for a second whether I should go to the hospital and have my stomach pumped. I gagged some more before it stopped.

I returned to the office with cold sweat and weak knees, and murmured to the coworker, “I can’t believe he did that to us.”

And can you believe what she said next?

"I was just kidding! Monkey brains are way too expensive. He will never treat us with that! It was just tofu wrapped with seaweed, silly.”

If I wasn't so weak from all that gagging, I think I would've strangled her.