Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I don't remember when it started, but the feeling is growing so strong I wish I could smother it with my hands. Moments like now, when she yells from upstairs for me to take the kids to school because she is running late, make it worse.
I get up at the same time. I get ready in less than twenty minutes. Why does she need so much time to be ready for work? She seems to be lagging lately. She used to be cute. But look at her waistline, her skin, even her bosom now. Nothing is the same after our two kids. Sometimes I hate to walk by her side. People must think we are an unlikely couple.
My stomach churns with the familiar irritation. I control it by taking in a couple of long breaths. Be calm, I tell myself. It will be a different world soon.
"I have a meeting!" I yell back. I don't, but a change of plan is not allowed today. I have a perfect plan and I don't want any more delay.
"You do?" She comes down and looks at me funny. I hate it when she questions me, and she knows it.
"Marie..." I use the old trick of sighing impatiently. She avoids argument more often than not.
"I'll do it. Go before you're late." She gives in as I expected.
"Get up earlier tomorrow." There will be no tomorrow, but she doesn't need to know. There is a tinge of guilt when I said it, but the plan is set and I'm not going to deviate. Anna is waiting.
"And don't forget to take care of that throat of yours." I shout before closing the door behind me. That makes me sound like a good husband, while driving a lasting impression to help my plan. I pull away from the house. Goodbye, Marie--hopefully for the last time.
Anna and I will be perfect together. My groin tingles at the thought of her tan, firm body. She will never let herself go like Marie did. She loves me. Better yet, she worships me. Who, except for Marie, wouldn't? The nurses secretly call me the sexiest doctor in the hospital. I have to wade through the pheromone every time I pass their station. The giggles on their lips, the lust in their eyes all tell me they want me. I take it all in and I want more. I make sure to flash them a devastating smile upon leaving. It drives them crazy.
It's only natural Anna and I ended up together. We look divine as a couple. Soon we can be a couple in public. I can't wait to wrap her in my arms and press her to her bed. Unlike Marie, she is always ready for conquer.
* * *
Roland seems a little irate today. I'm not sure what I did wrong. All I asked was if he could take the kids to school, since I worked late last night and had some trouble falling asleep. My sore throat seems to be worse this morning.
I know what people say. They say it to my face sometimes. You're a doctor's wife; you don't need to work. I can't seem to make them understand money is not the reason for me to work. It helps, since the house is too big and the cars too expensive, but Roland had to have them. I'm a doctor, he said. We can't drive cheap cars.
I sensed his change when I had our first baby. I asked him to rinse out the bowl I just ate dinner with after my mother left. "You want me to wash it?" He looked incredulous: "I'm a doctor!" With that, he left the room. I cried all night.
He wasn't like this when I met him. He worked hard at school and as an intern. It was that work ethic and the determination attracted me to him. He wasn't so vain about his looks back then either. Along the road of building a career, he allowed the title to shadow his destination.
What happened to us? He seems to be more and more irritated toward me for no obvious reasons. I take care of the kids and the house. I don't complain because I love my work. It provides challenge and satisfaction no other tasks could compare. I only wish Roland could help out a little more.
The nurses flirt with him, I know. I notice how much he enjoys it, too. He won't cheat on me. We have two kids and they are important to him. He loves the boys. Too bad, Anna. Don't think I don't notice how you look at Roland every time he stops by our station. He will never leave me for a younger woman. He loves his family.
I was lost in my thoughts when Jason mumbled: "Mom, I don't feel good." I reach to the back seat and feel his forehead. He feels normal. It's the younger child syndrome. His brother won the spelling contest at school yesterday. He must feel left out with all the attention going to his brother. I search in my purse but find out I don't have any fruit rollups there.
"Here. Take one of this. It made mommy's throat better. It will help you, too." I gave him a lozenge. Roland told me these were for adults only and he got them just for me. I haven't tried it yet--they are usually too sweet and I'm watching my weight. Roland was sweet to get them for me. Deep down, he still cares. I don't see how a lozenge can hurt a kid. I quench any possible complaints from his brother by giving him one, too. Now everybody is happy.
I hope we won't be late for school or my work.
* * *
The sun is out, bright and warm. It's a symbol of the life Anna and I will have together. I found out how to fill those lozenges with the stuff I got from the Internet. It took me some work. They say it kills fast with very little discomfort. Since they were talking about possums, I had to double the dose. Divorce is for men who can't carry out a great plan, not for me. I am, after all, a doctor.
I patted my pocket just to make sure the regular lozenges are there. I will swap them out later in the hospital--by Marie's death bed. Anna, the kids and I will be a perfect family. I can just see it. Wait for me, Anna. I will be there soon.